Ms. Queen Vivian (athena_clam) wrote in momissues,
Ms. Queen Vivian

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my main mom issue

I feel invisible today. When I was little I used to think I was retarded. When I was in high school I just thought I was dumb. Sigmund insists I still don't accept my aptitude and potential. It doesn't matter when I'm not even here.

It's not me, it's YOU. You make me feel like a ghost girl.

I used to watch my mommy, she was so pretty, and I was waiting to be picked up and have my hair brushed and braided - the little ghost girl that no one noticed with ratty hair and a dirty face. I could scratch my face into ribbons and people would look away and I'd still be invisible - it wouldn't matter.

I accidentally took a double dose of Topamax yesterday and maybe it's affecting me today. Maybe Fuckass fucking ex-boyfriend is right and I'm just an attention whore. Maybe I really am invisible, or retarded, or psychotic, or dead. Who the fuck am I to expect validation of my existence?

Crossposted in my main journal earlier today, but I decided it was more appropriate here. I'm not as depressed anymore, but sometimes that feeling gets so bad I can't tell if I'm real anymore. The emotional neglect was so much worse than the physical abuse.
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