like water (gantar) wrote in momissues,
like water

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Hi, a newbie here :)

Name: Veronica
Years Dealing with Mom (age): 22
Location: Poland
Are you a parent? No.
Biggest Mother Issue(s): *sigh* I don't even know where to start... Ok, so generally speaking it's about her swearing she loves me and cares, and me not seeing any non-verbal evidence of it, and not feeling supported by her ever in my life.


So, I guess what I written above doesn't sound very dramatic; contrarily to many people who have problems with their families, I've never been beaten, abused, or anything like that. There was no alcoholism nor any addictions in my family (I'm talking about parents only now); there was a divorce, but my parents were capable of civilised behaviour, and it was all as little traumatic for me as it could be. Both my parents say they love me, and as far as my father is concerned, I can really see it in what he does. I can see he understands me - or at least tries to - wants to listen to me, to talk, to help, to care. To a certain point in my life I knew I could tell him about everything and he'd listen me with respect and support me if I needed.

This is ...the exact opposite of my relation with mother.

Since I was a teenager, I've had problems with school and contacts with people. Right now I'm more or less fine - however I'm still recovering and it occurs that an attack of social or school phobia catches me in a most unwanted situation - but eight years ago... well, that's what my usual morning looked like: I woke up, or was waken up by my mother. In a cultured way, no yelling nor anything. I was at the peak of my social and school phobia (I considered it an achievement when I was able to go past my school. Just to pass it. Not even looking at it. So, you know, it wasn't good), so I was terrified by the thought of going to school, so I curled up and covered my head with a blanket; my mother... no, she didn't try to say anything comforting and supportive, like "I know it's hard, but I'm sure you're strong enough and you can get up and go to school." Or say something that'd make me feel that no matter what, she'll always be there for me. She'd just repeat that I had to get up and ask me if I was going to go to the classes. Don't get me wrong - she didn't want to be malicious; she asked this question seriously - she left me choice (as my mother was always very liberal and her general attitude was like "I think this and that, but you'll do as you want". I mean, It's good to give children freedom, in the general sense, as long as you don't exaggerate) she didn't try to push me - she just asked (while she shouldn't, because it's obvious that a child has to go to school, for heaven's sake). I, of course, said no, or - because I was afraid to just say "no", because I knew what the reaction would be - or mutter something negative, and tried to pretend to sleep. After some time, she just left the room, muttering something in annoyed tones.

That, of course, is a hell of support.

This always left me feeling like a failure, like a most hopeless, stupid, lazy, ungrateful child in the world. I felt it was my fault that I didn't go to school. Because it seemed that my mother was unable to understand it wasn't just laziness, that I needed help. Recently I asked her why she never gave me any support, and it turned out she knew that I had all the phobias and neurosis. Well, this... left me lost for words. What kind of person, knowing their child has serious psychological problems, behaves like it was all its fault, and shows no signs of sympathy, and expects anything will change?

What makes it even worse, she never meant any harm. I would have moved away from her long ago if I had any reason to suspect she didn't really love me and care about me. I've dealt with her for 22 years, and believe me, I do know her well. I just know she does what she does unintentionally. And, when from time to time I can't take it anymore and I start yelling at her, throwing things all around, crying, and doing other weird things to make her ...melt at last, she starts behaving like a victim. She doesn't react to anything, she has an air of being afraid of me - or something, I don't know - and then, when the row is over, she immediately forgives me everything. We don't even talk about it. And nothing changes. Well, it seems forgiveness can also be bad, if you use it improperly. Huh.

And that's another thing that pisses me off so much about my mother: I can treat her horrible, I can call her names, yell at her, and throw things at her, and she'll just behave as if nothing happened. I don't have to buy her anything for birthday or Mother's Day - she won't be offended in the slightest if I don't. Not that she doesn't care about me giving her presents - she just says that what counts is that I remember. Well, I think it's not ok if someone thinks memory's enough and never buys you anything, either. I could even forget about her birthday - she wouldn't mind. She's above things like that (like taking offence, I mean, not like birthdays ;)). Argh. For me it looks like she simply doesn't have respect for herself, and doesn't expect it of people. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean I want her to become a greedy, egoistic monster, it's just that I think exaggeration is not good on neither side of the fence, and a "Forget about my birthday, yell at me, even beat me - it's fine!" kind of attitude, is a tad of exaggeration, IMO.

Finally, I'm afraid that one day I'll end up being the way she is now.

*sigh* Well, I think that's it. Sorry for flooding so much, but I had to get it off my chest.
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